3 months to live..

If I knew that mums life was on a very short time scale, I would've created a lot more memories with her. My QUEEN. 

Just under two months ago, I lost my mum to cancer. 17th August 2016 is a day I will never forget. For the past few months, my life has been going downhill- and I've been having up and down moments. 2016 has by far, undoubtedly been the worst but best year of my life. Confusing right?

I also lost my nan (my mothers mum) earlier this year in February, so losing them both within 6 months of eachother was all a bit.. Mad. 

In May, during exam season my mum was diagnosed.. 3 months later she was gone. The doctors misdiagnosed her for many months and the hospital only realized something was worth investigating when her health deteriorated like crazy. When she was diagnosed, my family didn't want to distract me from my exams so didn't tell me that she had a rare cancer and a cure was unlikely so finding out this when I did was just.. Ah. 

As a 2nd year Psychology student, I had 8 final exams and had to make sure I passed all exams in order to still go on my year abroad to America. I was told about her diagnosis by my aunt after my 3rd exam. I had 5 left and my whole life and mental state CRASHED. I couldn't focus on my studies and if it wasn't for my closest friends, especially one of my closest friends/sisters Beverley, I don't know how I would have survived exam season no lie. 

When results day came, by Gods grace I passed all exams and I'm currently studying in the states. A miracle.
Mum was always supportive of what I wanted to do. When 2nd year exam season and her health started stressing me, I got to points where I didn't think I could do it. Mum said these exact words: "You can do it. You're Fiona Williams".. She was right 💙

Mums health got worse and worse and she was in the hospital from May up until when she passed in August. She passed away 3 days before my flight to New York and I had the hardest decision ever - go or stay? Before she died, I asked her if she still wanted me to go to America and she said yes. That's one thing she always said to us: "DO YOUR EDUCATION" with her Jamaican accent. The week she passed away, the doctors told me "she may only be with us for the next few days." LISTEN. NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND HOW HEARING THOSE WORDS SHATTERED MY HEART INTO PIECES. SMALL SMALL PIECES. I didn't believe them because at the time, mum was still able to talk although her voice was weak. A few days? I was just thinking you guys really don't know what you're talking about, my God is greater than you all. 

But, they were right. Mum went into a coma for 2 days. At first, I was so fazed that I hadn't realized she was in a coma. The doctors said it was just her "sleeping" and that's what I told myself too.. It was only after her death that I realized what it truly was. Mum was always out working hard, getting things done and rarely ever unwell so it's crazy to me that the one time she is actually ill ends up taking her life.

I'm still in denial and refuse to believe she's gone. I still feel like calling her and letting her know everything that has been happening so far in America but the harsh reality that I can never, and will never be able to do that again breaks me deep inside. I'm the type of person that doesn't want my family to know when I'm "not doing good". I don't want them to worry about me - cause I always think I'm fine, I'm good. I'm meant to be the strong one, and the strong ones can't show their weakness.. that's how I view myself. I try my absolute hardest not to shed a tear around them, because I don't want to trigger anyone else's tears.
It's so much easier to just say "I'm good" when someone asks how I am, but no one knows this is how I've been feeling for a good couple of months now.

I think I'm coping "well", I've always been a busy person and I'm still the same even in another country. This stops me from being able to grieve properly, and my biggest fear is mums death will come and hit me at the least convenient time ever. I sort of don't want to grieve because I don't want to accept and acknowledge my situation or stop myself from getting things done, so I deal with it by avoiding thinking or talking about it. That's my coping strategy. Stay busy and forget about life. That can backfire when my distractions disappear and I'm left alone with my thoughts. When I first got here, I was struggling with culture shock because the way of life here differs so much from what I'm used to in London. I always assumed USA and UK were somewhat similar .. Until I actually moved here and couldn't believe the differences.

The workload and assignments/midterms in America are crazy. It is A LOT more than in the UK, it is easier but a lot more regular and consistent work must be done in order to succeed. I've barely cried, not as much as I would've expected. Every time I start crying, I've got a class to go to or an assignment to do so I never get a chance to get in my element. Everyone says "I'm always here when you need me" but I feel like no one understands and I don't want to upset anyone by bringing up mums death or how I feel, so I just keep it in and keep busy. It's the easiest thing to do, although I do appreciate all the love, support and prayers from everyone. Thank you so much.

Things have been so hectic. I came to America for two weeks, left at the start of the semester for a weekend trip to London for the funeral then came back and went to classes the next day. I miss London. I miss home and miss my family/friends so much, words can't explain. I miss my dad, my younger sister, my nieces and nephews. 

I feel so blessed that I had the opportunity to live with and grow up with my married parents. I know dad misses mum dearly, as we all do and it upsets me that he's also ill -and has been for years- now he's alone. 

I feel lonely all the time here. I'm always surrounded by people but still feel lonely at the same time. 

Just because I'm happy all the time or having a good time on social media, it doesn't mean that everything is perfect with me. 

We all have battles that we're dealing with and we all deal with things differently. 

One thing that burns me is the fact that I was trying to achieve something for my mum, and surprise her when I accomplished it but I didn't even get a chance to tell her what it was. I was waiting for her health to improve and her speech to get better so I could truly see her reaction, but I waited until it was too late and she could no longer react. I told her whilst she was asleep, and Lord I pray she heard me and she's proud of me. 

I've been up to so much since being out here, it's been a crazy journey I was even in a car crash but mum saved me :(. Too much has happened in such a short space of time, there is no doubt that my two Angels and God are watching me.

Everything I do is for my her, dad & the rest of my family. 

On Sunday I did my first run. The Colour Your World 5K cancer run, dedicated to her and I felt so happy afterwards. It was amazing. 

This is the most in-depth that I have ever spoken about my situation or gotten my feelings out, so thank you for taking the time to read it. I feel at peace knowing that my mum is with her mum and also with God, she is away from the suffering and is finally happy. I usually don't believe in dreams, but my mum came to my younger sister and told her how good heaven was. That is one dream I most definitely believe- because my mum and sister are both dreamers.. Hearing that confirmation from her made me so happy.

Life goal: to be able to think about or speak about mum without tears but with laughter instead. 

The day I achieve that will then be one of my greatest moments and accomplishments ever. 

Message to whoever is reading this:

Follow your dreams and your heart. Whatever you're going through isn't the end. Look at what I'm dealing with on the other side of the world and I'm still going. I always say: "You've got this." - and it's true. You do. Make your loved ones proud and you'll feel even happier when you succeed because it's not just for you, but for them too x

All my siblings and mum <3 

Colour Your World 5k run, dedicated to my Queen

Mummy, my youngest sister  & I

Tribute table I created for mum

I love you dearly, mum. Rest in perfect paradise, my pretty angel ❤️