3 months to live..

If I knew that mums life was on a very short time scale, I would've created a lot more memories with her. My QUEEN. 

Just under two months ago, I lost my mum to cancer. 17th August 2016 is a day I will never forget. For the past few months, my life has been going downhill- and I've been having up and down moments. 2016 has by far, undoubtedly been the worst but best year of my life. Confusing right?

I also lost my nan (my mothers mum) earlier this year in February, so losing them both within 6 months of eachother was all a bit.. Mad. 

In May, during exam season my mum was diagnosed.. 3 months later she was gone. The doctors misdiagnosed her for many months and the hospital only realized something was worth investigating when her health deteriorated like crazy. When she was diagnosed, my family didn't want to distract me from my exams so didn't tell me that she had a rare cancer and a cure was unlikely so finding out this when I did was just.. Ah. 

As a 2nd year Psychology student, I had 8 final exams and had to make sure I passed all exams in order to still go on my year abroad to America. I was told about her diagnosis by my aunt after my 3rd exam. I had 5 left and my whole life and mental state CRASHED. I couldn't focus on my studies and if it wasn't for my closest friends, especially one of my closest friends/sisters Beverley, I don't know how I would have survived exam season no lie. 

When results day came, by Gods grace I passed all exams and I'm currently studying in the states. A miracle.
Mum was always supportive of what I wanted to do. When 2nd year exam season and her health started stressing me, I got to points where I didn't think I could do it. Mum said these exact words: "You can do it. You're Fiona Williams".. She was right 💙

Mums health got worse and worse and she was in the hospital from May up until when she passed in August. She passed away 3 days before my flight to New York and I had the hardest decision ever - go or stay? Before she died, I asked her if she still wanted me to go to America and she said yes. That's one thing she always said to us: "DO YOUR EDUCATION" with her Jamaican accent. The week she passed away, the doctors told me "she may only be with us for the next few days." LISTEN. NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND HOW HEARING THOSE WORDS SHATTERED MY HEART INTO PIECES. SMALL SMALL PIECES. I didn't believe them because at the time, mum was still able to talk although her voice was weak. A few days? I was just thinking you guys really don't know what you're talking about, my God is greater than you all. 

But, they were right. Mum went into a coma for 2 days. At first, I was so fazed that I hadn't realized she was in a coma. The doctors said it was just her "sleeping" and that's what I told myself too.. It was only after her death that I realized what it truly was. Mum was always out working hard, getting things done and rarely ever unwell so it's crazy to me that the one time she is actually ill ends up taking her life.

I'm still in denial and refuse to believe she's gone. I still feel like calling her and letting her know everything that has been happening so far in America but the harsh reality that I can never, and will never be able to do that again breaks me deep inside. I'm the type of person that doesn't want my family to know when I'm "not doing good". I don't want them to worry about me - cause I always think I'm fine, I'm good. I'm meant to be the strong one, and the strong ones can't show their weakness.. that's how I view myself. I try my absolute hardest not to shed a tear around them, because I don't want to trigger anyone else's tears.
It's so much easier to just say "I'm good" when someone asks how I am, but no one knows this is how I've been feeling for a good couple of months now.

I think I'm coping "well", I've always been a busy person and I'm still the same even in another country. This stops me from being able to grieve properly, and my biggest fear is mums death will come and hit me at the least convenient time ever. I sort of don't want to grieve because I don't want to accept and acknowledge my situation or stop myself from getting things done, so I deal with it by avoiding thinking or talking about it. That's my coping strategy. Stay busy and forget about life. That can backfire when my distractions disappear and I'm left alone with my thoughts. When I first got here, I was struggling with culture shock because the way of life here differs so much from what I'm used to in London. I always assumed USA and UK were somewhat similar .. Until I actually moved here and couldn't believe the differences.

The workload and assignments/midterms in America are crazy. It is A LOT more than in the UK, it is easier but a lot more regular and consistent work must be done in order to succeed. I've barely cried, not as much as I would've expected. Every time I start crying, I've got a class to go to or an assignment to do so I never get a chance to get in my element. Everyone says "I'm always here when you need me" but I feel like no one understands and I don't want to upset anyone by bringing up mums death or how I feel, so I just keep it in and keep busy. It's the easiest thing to do, although I do appreciate all the love, support and prayers from everyone. Thank you so much.

Things have been so hectic. I came to America for two weeks, left at the start of the semester for a weekend trip to London for the funeral then came back and went to classes the next day. I miss London. I miss home and miss my family/friends so much, words can't explain. I miss my dad, my younger sister, my nieces and nephews. 

I feel so blessed that I had the opportunity to live with and grow up with my married parents. I know dad misses mum dearly, as we all do and it upsets me that he's also ill -and has been for years- now he's alone. 

I feel lonely all the time here. I'm always surrounded by people but still feel lonely at the same time. 

Just because I'm happy all the time or having a good time on social media, it doesn't mean that everything is perfect with me. 

We all have battles that we're dealing with and we all deal with things differently. 

One thing that burns me is the fact that I was trying to achieve something for my mum, and surprise her when I accomplished it but I didn't even get a chance to tell her what it was. I was waiting for her health to improve and her speech to get better so I could truly see her reaction, but I waited until it was too late and she could no longer react. I told her whilst she was asleep, and Lord I pray she heard me and she's proud of me. 

I've been up to so much since being out here, it's been a crazy journey I was even in a car crash but mum saved me :(. Too much has happened in such a short space of time, there is no doubt that my two Angels and God are watching me.

Everything I do is for my her, dad & the rest of my family. 

On Sunday I did my first run. The Colour Your World 5K cancer run, dedicated to her and I felt so happy afterwards. It was amazing. 

This is the most in-depth that I have ever spoken about my situation or gotten my feelings out, so thank you for taking the time to read it. I feel at peace knowing that my mum is with her mum and also with God, she is away from the suffering and is finally happy. I usually don't believe in dreams, but my mum came to my younger sister and told her how good heaven was. That is one dream I most definitely believe- because my mum and sister are both dreamers.. Hearing that confirmation from her made me so happy.

Life goal: to be able to think about or speak about mum without tears but with laughter instead. 

The day I achieve that will then be one of my greatest moments and accomplishments ever. 

Message to whoever is reading this:

Follow your dreams and your heart. Whatever you're going through isn't the end. Look at what I'm dealing with on the other side of the world and I'm still going. I always say: "You've got this." - and it's true. You do. Make your loved ones proud and you'll feel even happier when you succeed because it's not just for you, but for them too x

All my siblings and mum <3 

Colour Your World 5k run, dedicated to my Queen

Mummy, my youngest sister  & I

Tribute table I created for mum

I love you dearly, mum. Rest in perfect paradise, my pretty angel ❤️

Post 34: STRAIGHT HAIR & hairfinity

Hey guys,

On 1st June, my friend straightened and trimmed my hair for me. I don't really like the way my hair feels when it is straight but I wanted to do a length check - which I was excited about. I refrain from using heat and prefer not to; the last time I used heat on my hair was August 2015.

I was happy with the results, eventhough I expected my hair to be a bit longer than it was. It was really straight and it's been 2 weeks, it's still straight but frizzy and starting to revert back! I can't wait to have my curls back, I find straight hair rather boring after a while.

I had braids in for 2 months as a protective style in March as exam season was approaching, It absolutely knotted up my hair because I have never kept them in for that long before! While my braids were in, I took Hairfinity for about 3 weeks (I stopped for personal reasons); it did give me spots here and there but no serious breakouts. My friends noticed a large amount of growth when I took the braids out but I expected the growth to be a bit more than it was.

My hair Feb. 2015:

A year of growth, before the braids (February/Early march '16)

After braids (May '16)

Straightened (June '16) with NuNaat's new Pataua Oil range: Shine Enhancing Thermal Protect Hair Lotion. 

I needed a very good heat protector because I am cautious with my hair and I am pleased with the results, My hair looked and felt good AND remained moisturised.  

Thank you NuNaat for gifting me with this range! x

Post 33: One mans trash, another mans treasure

One mans trash is another mans treasure. I'm sure we've all heard this saying before. If not, it means something that one person sees as rubbish may be something that someone else sees as treasure.

Isn't it weird how something you love about someone else, an amazing feature they have, may be something that person dislikes?

Someone's #1 choice of university may be someone's clearing or last resort option.

We all like and dislike different things, that is why it is important to embrace all aspects of ourself.

Smile, it may brighten up someone else's day. It's free too.

Compliment, it may also brighten up someone else's day.

A feature you could wish you didn't have, could be the feature that your partner fell in love with you for. 

So just embrace it all, what have you got to lose? Honestly?

Everyone has different taste, we see ourselves so often that we get used to how we look and point out things that are probably not even noticeable to the person sitting next to you. 

They don't care, why should you.

Be you. Be you. 'BeYouTiful'.

All photos were captured by @Sheyreece

http://www.sheynareece.com/

Let's connect!-

Email:- fiona.williams96@gmail.com

Instagram:- fscwilliams_

Twitter:- fscwilliams

Post 32: #NandosNetworking

Very overdue post which was written in January after the dinner, but was not posted.

I decided to organise a #NandosNetworking dinner during the Christmas holidays, to meet new like-minded creatives whilst empowering eachother over a cheeky Nandos.
I love networking and meeting new people, I think it's such an important thing to do as you never know who you'll meet or inspire/motivate.

I simply posted information about the event on Twitter and Instagram, and received such an amazing turn out and great feedback from it. I met such lovely, ambitious, hard-working people that night. The night was filled of laughter, empowerment and motivation. We discussed what we do and how we started doing it and I spoke about the Hair Society I started up at University last year.

After we had finished eating, the talking and laughter continued as the conversation started to deepen. We spoke on black power and how black people need to unite & come together more to make a bigger impact. Black people have so much power however society can make our young people think otherwise, causing them to drift off and live lifestyles that they are not destined to live. It's such a shame, but it's down to us to make the changes we want to see. It isn't going to happen by itself, we're improving and creating and I love that.

We left Nandos around 10pm, I had such a good time and I know the others did too. I've already been asked when the next one will be haha, I'd love to organise another one but being at university outside of London makes it a little more difficult. When I do decide to organise it, it'll definitely be bigger and better!

Post 02: Get'cho edges gurlll

Hey everyone,

I'm here to talk about edgessss, my "edge laying essentials", how to maintain your edges and my recommended Do's/Donts

What is "laying your edges"?

Laying your edges is when you have your baby hair lay flat, very nicely and sleekly along your forehead. Not a very good description but hey lol.

I love laying my edges and putting my hair into a sleek low bun style, I do it quite often. My edge laying essentials and item "must have's" for anyone laying their hair are: A brush/toothbrush Gel (Eco styler is all I use) Ever since discovering it 2 years ago in New York, I have never looked back!
- I will note alternatives below & satin/silk wrap



 



How do I lay them?

I apply a little eco-styler to my baby hairs and use my brush to keep it down. You can use your brush (or toothbrush for more accuracy) in a swirling motion to create little waves. Wrap your hair with a satin/silk wrap for as long as you need. I tend to wrap mine for approx. 10 mins if I'm in a rush or whilst I'm getting ready. That is how you get the ultimate layyy.

Edge maintenance
Your edges are a very delicate, fragile part of your hair. It is important not to put too much stress or pressure on them, as they can be easily lost. Keep your edges, alongside the rest of your hair, well moisturised and wrapped at night to seal the moisture in. They can break off by constant pulling and heavy hairstyles, if you are suffering from breakage due to this then you must stop doing this immediately and take more care. You can grow back your edges by using castor oil regularly and you can make your own judgement based on how quickly your hair gets dry. I would recommend twice a day, every few days. It is important to be mindful of your edges because if you continue to damage them, the follicles can become destroyed, stopping growth from taking place which is something you do not want to happen. Relaxer also can thin and destroy your hairline so take care.

Do's
Wrap your hair Keep hair moisturised (especially if you're wearing a protective style - braids, weave, wig)
Wear a silk/satin scarf to bed
Take care when combing or finger-detangling hair

DON'T Brush your hairline harshly Do tight/really heavy braids or cornrows (when doing weave)

Pull your hair back into a bun too often Relax your hair too often as relaxers thin it

If your edges are thinning, change the way you handle your hair and the styles you do as this has a big impact. Fix it while it still can be fixed, the last thing you want is to damage it until you can't even grow hair there!

Alternatives

I am aware that eco-styler may not work for all hair types however ALTERNATIVE products that you could give a try are:

ORS Olive Oil edge control

Dr Miracles edge control - I've tried this & prefer it instead of the Olive Oil one

Mizani edge control

Gorilla snot gel

I came across a youtube tutorial for laying down 4C natural hair, wetting your hair beforehand may help:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJcZeYI55vM

I also came across this blogpost, a review on Grow and Restore edge treatment:
http://www.nerdabouttown.com/2015/02/dont-let-your-edges-get-snatched.html

Email:- fiona.williams96@gmail.com

Instagram:- fscwilliams_

Twitter:- fscwilliams

Post 01: 2O16! GUESS WHO'S BACK!

Hey guys,

I hope you're all having a safe and happy new year so far.

I've been up to so much throughout the last few months, and haven't blogged about anything! But I'm back, and aiming to be consistent from now on despite all the other commitments I have.. I was busy completing assignments and very pleased to say that my grades for first term have been going good.

Time for a little catch up, I've been kindly gifted products to try out, with Root2Tip ever so kindly providing me with a range of their products.

My favourite from the range is their Honey Range Juice. This water-based product is perfect for detangling hair easily and works a charm. I like to use it when I've been a bit lazy with my hair and left it untouched for a few days lol it detangles my hair without hassle.

All their products I have tried have mild scents as they are only filled with natural ingredients, so if you like non-harsh, subtle smells then this range is perfect for you. The honey rain juice is also very good for kids and they can easily apply it themselves, one less thing for you parents to worry about!

I am currently trying out their "Harvest Hair Growth" pack which are two oils, used to stimulate the scalp and promote healthier hair growth within 90 days. I've only just had my hair done about 3 weeks ago now and need to use the oils regularly. I haven't been consistent with moisturising my hair this time whilst having in jumbo twists, if I'm honest, but hopefully my hair has grown a little regardless. What I like about these oils is that a little is needed as it covers a lot, so it will last a very long time and I feel happy knowing that the products contain strengthening ingredients,

This is the link to their website:- http://www.root2tip.co.uk/

Email:- fiona.williams96@gmail.com

Instagram:- fscwilliams_

Twitter:- fscwilliams

Post 32: Your inner pretty x

Channel your inner pretty.

In today's generation, it is so easy to feel down about your image or certain things you may like or not like.. Due to the way media portrays things.
As you are growing up, it is important to find yourself and try to spend time doing things that you enjoy doing. Until you learn to love and accept yourself for who you are, you will always allow and depend on the views of others to dictate your life.

Remember, there will always be things that we do that are not appreciated or accepted by others but as long as it makes you happy and you know that it makes you happy, do not stop. (Don't get me wrong, of course this depends on what it is that you are doing lol!)

Rock that hairstyle you've always wanted to try out. 

Wear that outfit that you've always wanted to flaunt but never had the confidence to. 

Wear that lipstick that really suits you but society or other people around you have made you think that it is not for you.

Just be. You.
Because, if you haven't got yourself.. How long are you planning to rely on everyone else for?

@SheyReece and I went to explore Oxford Circus last week (read previous post for more details and pictures). She captured some amazing shots of me and vice versa which can be found on her blog and instagram

createdbyshey.com
@sheyreece

All photos were captured by @Sheyreece, I would like to say thank you. They came out great! x